How to Revitalize Your Couple in Quarantine
I am inspired by listening to Ester Perel’s podcast and reading her emails.
Some of that is because like CrisMarie and I, she works with couples, but she also applies her work to businesses and to leadership as well.
Recently, I was enjoying one of her longer emails regarding a evening gathering with another couple who they’d been away from for most of 2020. This was their first visit together. Ester was reflecting on all the questions she wanted to dive into.
The one she landed that was most important was: how has this crisis made you reevaluate your lives?
This is a powerful question for an individual, yet also rich and vital for couples.
So many of the couples I have spoken during this crisis have shared in various ways the pandemic has tested their bond and connection to each.
I think this is largely due to the fact that most of us were living on a hamster wheel prior to the pandemic.
We were in a type of couple status quo.
We had our schedules.
We had our work.
We had our family commitments
We had our hobbies.
We had our friendships.
We were busy handling the children, school, and after-school activities, or dealing with the challenges of managing two careers and finding some time to be together.
Then COVID hit and everything normal got disrupted. Suddenly, couples had a lot of time together.
This may not have been comfortable. For all sorts of reasons.
One thing I know for sure is if there were what I call “leaks” and “kinks” in the couple before the pandemic, they suddenly were much more evident.
Before you make up all sorts of stories about what a leak or a kink is (because I can see your mind going there), let me define both.
A Kink: is a negative or limiting belief or story you hold within yourself. It could be new story or old stories that got seated long before this relationship.
· I need to support my family.
· My identity is based on how successful I am in my career.
· I am the one responsible for nurturing our children
A Leak: is a withheld, unspoken, or incomplete conversation — again this may be a fresh issue you are keeping quiet about, or something that had been held back for a long time. For Example
· When you interrupt me, I feel disrespected and shut down
· You make your work more important than mine or anything else
· I don’t like it when you don’t wear a mask.
The benefit of keeping busy on the hamster wheel of life is it’s was a way you could stay numb to, bury, or avoid dealing with both kinks (limiting beliefs) and leaks (tough conversations).
The COVID-19 pandemic, along with other disruptions, has likely taken away the ease of numbing, avoiding, or checking out of the relationship.
The good news: this is an opportunity. No, really.
Too many people have the belief that if you reveal what really matters, you’ll lose the relationship. Or conflict means the end to our delicate détente.
What if it was just the opposite?
· What if you could reveal you and revitalize your relationship?
· What if you could be honest and increase your passion, connection, and aliveness?
· What if you could have healthy boundaries that were respected?
This is a chance for you to take the time to learn how to talk together about what matters now.
You’ll get to reevaluate and look deeply at your life and your relationship.
This Saturday, Feb 6th, CrisMarie and I are offering The Beauty of Conflict for Couples online through the Haven.
You’ll learn:
· Tools and processes to help you talk about what is really going on.
· Concepts that will help you untangle your dysfunctional dynamics.
· Interactive experiences to help you connect, envision, and reinvent.
This moment of uncertainty and possibly conflict is actually an opportunity to connect, envision, and reinvent. Don’t be seduced by hoping for a new normal. Instead, take the opportunity to create what you want as an individual, as a couple, and as a family.
